Thoughts on Modern Non-Monogamy
Graphic by Alex Magozzi
POV: You’re in a relationship and your significant other asks for an “open relationship.” You may immediately think, “They just want to sleep around,” or, “I’m not enough for them,” or whatever the case may be. This may lead you to feel in shock, in denial, or maybe even angry. Your friends likely affirm these thoughts and validate your feelings in support of you. This could be the case for many of us, for a friend, or maybe even not at all. Although many people see non-monogamy, or open relationships, as a threat to their relationship, many others view it as a way to deepen their connection with their partner.
Non-monogamy has been a taboo subject in our society for ages, but due to the subjectivity of this term, it has also become very misunderstood. Every person has a different definition of non-monogamy than the next. Discussions with three volunteers about their personal definitions prompted a variety of responses:
“Being in a non-monogamous relationship means that you’re the person they come home to at the end of the day, but they have the flexibility to go on dates and sleep with other people.”
“It’s a romantic and/or sexual relationship where both people are openly involved with others outside of that relationship.”
“It is when you are in a romantic relationship with someone but both parties are allowed to hook up with other people.”
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There is no doubt that non-monogamy is fairly nuanced, both as a concept and practice. Although allowing for a subject to be fluid and up for personal interpretation can be great, the lack of clarity can also create a stigma surrounding the topic. Poly Philia, a polyamorous content creator, writer, and relationships educator, writes, “Ethical non-monogamy (often referred to as ENM) is any arrangement where people have multiple consensual romantic, sexual, and/or intimate connections.” She also states that “ENM is a blanket term under which falls types of relationship styles we may have heard of such as swingers, open relationships, polyamory, and many others.”
While seeking a holistic definition of non-monogamy is important, the practice is entirely up to the parties involved. Licensed therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, claims, “There are no set ‘rules’ when it comes to ethical non-monogamy. Rather, the people involved in a relationship will make agreements about what the relationship dynamic will look like.”
Partners can mutually decide on things like whether they want their relationship, with each other and with others, to be casual, long-term, short-term, sexual, romantic, or any combination of these things. Some non-monogamous people prefer to have a primary partner or hierarchical relationship, and others prefer not to. Ultimately, the boundaries and expectations are subject to the people involved in the relationship.
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This practice might not be for everyone, but it has certainly increased in popularity as of late. A study done in 2017 found that 1 in 5 people have been in some form of a non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lifetime, (via the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy). These findings were consistent across ages 20 to 50 among the 8,718 adults that were involved in this study. To get a better sense of how our society feels about non-monogamy on a smaller scale, I asked TRASHMAG’s online community some questions about their opinions on non-monogamy via Instagram polls. I wanted to get an idea of how many people currently identify as non-monogamous in our community so I started with the general question of, “Are you non-monogamous?” I was not surprised by the results with 79% responding no and 21% yes.
For the next question, I was interested in finding out how many people had any amount of interest in non-monogamy along with the magnitude of such interest. I asked, “Are you interested in trying non-monogamy?” and was captivated by the results. 56% of the 32 voters had some amount of interest, with 14 people voting strictly no and 18 people voting somewhere along the spectrum between yes and no. Although the majority of voters are still leaning towards no along the spectrum, the fact that 56% of voters showed any consideration is notable, to say the least.
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When I asked voters for the reason they said yes or no, those who voted no generally stated that they would rather give and receive 100% of their attention and energy with one partner; that they don’t have the emotional capacity, trust, and security for non-monogamy; and that social conditioning has played a factor in their disinterest in this relationship style. Conversely, those who state that they would be interested in trying non-monogamy and/or are already practicing it expressed that it allows them to not only experience more intense love and connection in their relationships when there is 100% honesty, but it also allows them to have more personal freedom and experience deep connections with more people.
With the intention of discovering people’s overall opinion surrounding this practice and how it impacts society, I asked, “Would the world be a better place if more people were non-monogamous?” It was a direct split between the middle with 50% of voters saying yes and the other 50% saying no.
I asked people why they voted yes or no. Among those who voted yes and felt that non-monogamy would make the world a better place; the common theme was that it would foster more genuine connection and honesty in relationships. People who voted no explained that relationship style does not determine whether you are a good person or not and that, therefore, non-monogamy itself would not directly improve society as a whole. Many people were indifferent to this question. However, they all did agree that an increase in non-monogamy would make for a less judgmental world and could decrease prejudice and shame against the topic.
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It seems as though monogamy still rules our society today. However, there is no denying that the practice of non-monogamy has received an increase in interest and consideration throughout the years. The acceptance of non-monogamy has grown exponentially in our society, which has resulted in more representation in the media and education surrounding the subject. What if Gen-Z had something to do with this surge of acceptance? Gen-Z, whose radical moves for inclusivity have been successful in making change for many topics deemed unorthodox by society. Could non-monogamy be another stigmatized subject that is now accepted?